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03/13/05 |
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MyJokesThe following cartoons and jokes of mine have all been published.
They have appeared in
The
Sun, The Star, That’s Life, Daily Sport, F.H.M. and Reader’s
Digest.
All cartoons drawn on autocad
1) Wife: “If only once you spent Sunday with me instead of playing golf, I swear I would drop down dead!” Husband: “There you go trying to bribe me again”
2) Q: “What do you call a boat load of students?” A: “A scholar-ship”
3) Customer: “How do I stand for a £10,000 loan?” Bank Manager: “You don’t. You kneel”
4) Man in pub: “I dreamt about you last night” Barmaid: “Did you?” Man: “No, you wouldn’t let me”
5) Q: “Why was the stupid bloke sitting staring at the bottle of orange juice?” A: “Because it had written on it concentrate”
6) Girl (to fella she met the night before): “I said some foolish things to you last night” Fella: “Yes” Girl: “And that was one of them”
7) Schoolboy: “Can I be blamed for something I haven’t done?” Teacher: “No, of course not” Schoolboy: “Good, because I haven’t done my homework”
8) Wife to husband (as she packs her bags): “I’m leaving you and the reason is illness and fatigue” Husband: “What do you mean?” Wife: “It means I’m sick and tired of you”
10) Two blokes are sitting next to each other taking an IQ test. First fella: “What does EEC mean?” Second
fella: “ A few moments later the second fellow asks: “What does D.I.Y. mean” First fella: “Do it yourself” Second fella: “Come on I helped you.” 11) First Bloke “I haven’t spoke to my wife for two years” Second bloke “Why?” First Bloke “I don’t like interrupting her”
12) A couple were driving through a place called Gwuan-leision in “I’ll settle this once for all,” Says the husband. He goes up to the waitress and asks: “How do you pronounce this place we’re in?” The waitress replies: “CA-FAY”
13) A man and his wife walk into a
hotel, a pretty blonde taps the bloke on the shoulder and says:
“Hello, darling, what are you doing here?” The bloke quickly ushers his wife
into a lift. Inside she demands: “Who was that woman?” “Don’t you think I’m
going to be in enough trouble trying to explain you to her.” he replies. 14) Bloke rushes into a pub,
orders a pint and downs it in one gulp. “With what I’ve got I shouldn’t have
done that” he says. Barman
“Why. What have you got?” Bloke
“About ten pence” 15) Husband: “Stand behind my
car and tell me if the indicators are working?” Wife:
“Yes, no, yes, no,
yes…………”
16) A man is desperate to win
the lottery so he starts going to church every day to pray. After
three weeks of nothing happening, the man suddenly hears the words “I want to
help you but you must do something for me” Anything,
Lord” says the man. “Meet
me halfway,” says the voice from above. “ Buy a
ticket. 17) First Bloke “When I go
away on business now, I take my wife with me” Second
Bloke “Why’s that?” First
Bloke “It saves me
kissing her goodbye” 18) A
milkman on his early morning round
finds a note in the empty milk
bottle which reads 80 pints please.
He finds this a bit odd so he
chaps the door and asks why she’s
wanting all this milk. The lady explain
that she is having a bath in
it to help her complexion. The
milkman says “that will be all
right then , are you having it pasteurised?” The lady says “no , just up to my chin”
19) Angry wife: “Why did you come home half drunk last night” Husband: “Because I ran out of money”
20) Q: “What do you get if you cross a parrot and a hen?” A: “A bird that lays an egg then tells you”
21) Q: “What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?” A: “Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird”
22) Husband: “Your mother been with us for 20 years now . Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?” Wife: “My mother, my mother? I thought she was your mother”
23) A Man asks his girlfriend “Was I the first?” She replies “Maybe, your face looks familiar.”
24) Young man: “I’ve come to ask if I can have your daughter’s hand in marriage.” Father: “Have you seen her mother?” Young
Man: “Yes, but I’d still prefer you
daughter.”
25) A man goes to the doctor for a check up and the doctor asks him when was the last time he had sex.The man says he can’t remember but he’ll ring his wife and ask. When he says: “Mabel, when did we last have sex?” She replies “Who’s that speaking?”
26) First man: “My wife never wears lipstick” Second man: “Why’s that?” First man: “She can’t keep her mouth closed long enough to put it on.”
27) First man: “I went out with a pair of twins last night” Second man: “Did you have a good time?” First man: “Yes, and no.”
28) First man: “Do you think there’s such a thing as a perfect man?” Second man: “Yes , that’s the man my wife should’ve married?”
29) Q: Why do squirrels swim on their backs? A: To keep their nuts dry
30) A lady sitting by a swimming pool became engrossed with a male swimmer. So much so that he came over and said “can I help you madam?” she said “you look so much like my third husband” he said “you’ve been married three times?” she said “no, twice”
31) First man: “I’m married to a very clever woman. She can talk for hours on any subject” Second man: “Mine talks all day and night and doesn’t need a subject?”
32) Johnny: “Dad, do all fairy stories begin with ‘once upon a time’?” Mum, interrupting: “No, some of them begin with ‘Darling , I have to work late tonight.’ ”
33) 1st farmer said to 2 nd farmer “my prize bull became impotent , but I got the vet in and he gave me some special medicine for him , and now he’s working away fine” 2nd farmer said “special medicine , what’s it like?” 1st farmer “there’s a slight taste of chocolate from it”
34) A girl tells her father that her boyfriend has asked to marry her. “Has he got any money?” The father asks. “You men are all the same,” said the girl. “He asked the same question about you.”
35) Wife: “That was my husband on the phone.” Bloke: “Don’t tell me he’s coming home early?” Wife: “No, he won't be home for ages. He says he playing cards with you and two other fellas.”
36) Wife: “Let’s try the missionary position.” Husband: “Okay. Er, what’s that?” Wife: “I stay in the house and you go to
37) A woman in a wedding dress runs on to the golf course and starts shouting at a bloke who is teeing off from the fifth hole. He replies: “I told you only if it’s raining.”
38) Friend to forthcoming bride: “Are you going to have a white wedding?” Bride: “Only if it’s snowing.”
39) A woman who was waiting to go to the gallows stripped off. The hangman looked over and asked: “What’s this?” She replied: “It’s yours, If you keep your trap shut.”
40) First Girl: “ On the way to work this morning a man stopped me in the street and showed me the lining of his raincoat.” Second Girl: “Are you sure he only wanted you to see his raincoat?” First Girl: “Oh, yes! He wasn’t wearing anything else.”
41) Two women talking about marriage problems…. First: “Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?” Second: “What! I have lived with him for ten years and now you want me to make him happy?”
42) Q: How do you get your wife to listen to you? A: Talk to another woman
43) First Bloke: “What did you do before you got married?” Second Bloke: “Anything I liked.”
44) First Lady: “Did you wake up grumpy this morning?” Second Lady: “No, I let him sleep on.” 45) An aunt was visiting her young nephew. After dinner, the little boy asked: “Aunt when are you going to do your party trick?” “What party trick?” inquired the aunt. “Well” Said the little boy, “Dad says you can drink like a fish.” 46) First Lady: “Is your husband hard to please?” Second Lady: “I don’t know I’ve never tried.” 47) Q: Why did the nudist couple get divorced?” A: Because they had been seeing too much of each other. 48) Q: What’s black and white and eats like a horse?” A: A zebra.
49) First Bloke “I hear
you’re working” Second Bloke “Yes
I’ve got 500 hundred people under me now.” First Bloke “Your
job sounds important” Second Bloke “Yes,
I’m cutting the grass in the graveyard.” 50) The bloke calls the fire brigade and says “There’s a fire in my house can you come immediately” The fireman said “How do we get there?” The bloke replies “In a big red truck with a ladder on it”
51) First Lady “Men are like the
prison system.” First Lady “Not enough cells per man.”
52) At the ex referee’s funeral one chap said to the other “He had a good life and that was a marvellous send off”
53) Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? A: He was sucked under by a strong current.
54) This bloke is on a business flight when the fellow sitting next to him asks him if he has the time. The bloke replies “No, I’m not telling you”. The chap says “Why not?” The bloke answers by saying, “Well if I tell you the time then we’ll get talking. We’ll become pretty friendly. After this flight I’ll probably invite you home with me to meet my wife and my eighteen-year-old daughter. You’ll be taken aback with my daughter because she’s a stunner. My wife will ask you to stay for dinner, and then we’ll have a few drinks. The wife and me will go to bed; you’ll stay up chatting to my daughter. One thing will lead to another and you’ll end up sleeping with her. A few months later she’ll find out she’s pregnant and you won’t marry her. “I will, I will,” shouted the chap. “No you won’t” replied the older bloke “Because I’m not telling you the time. I don’t want my daughter to marry somebody who can’t afford a watch” 55) A Soldier approached a girl in a red light district
and asked: “How much for the pleasure of my company?” After she told him it would be £25, the soldier looked
back and shouted: “Company, forward march.”
A Scotsman is getting married so he buys 6 yards of the family name’s tartan
cloth. He takes it into a dressmaker and asks her to make him a kilt with
underpants to match. When he collects the garments from the shop he is
given 2 yards of material which is left over. He goes home and tries on the
kilt and is so delighted with it he forgets to put on the underpants. Then he
dashes over to his fiancée’s house and parades in front of her showing off the
kilt. However he forgets he doesn’t have the underpants on and lifts up the
front of the kilt and say’s “and what do you think of that”. His fiancée
replies “That’ll do fine”. “And what’s more” he say’s “I’ve got another 2
yards of it back in the house” 57) Q: “What do you call a woman who does a man’s
work?” A: “A lazy cow” 58) An attractive young lady was sitting alone in a bar when a young man approached her. Excuse me” He said, “may I buy you a drink?” “What, to a hotel?” She screamed. “No, no,” Protested the man, “You misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink.” The young man retreated to his table while everybody glared at him indignantly. After ten minutes the young lady came over and said “I’m sorry about creating the scene, but I’m a psychology student studying human behaviour in unexpected situations” the young man looked at her and shouted “What? A hundred pounds”
59) Q: “What was the cowboy with the paper trousers, paper shirt and paper hat arrested for ?” A: “Rustling” 59) At a party one night this lady found here
self being embraced by a male guest who was very much under the weather. As
he released her he said “Excuse me, my dear. I thought you were my wife”
“Fancy having you as a husband” said the lady “You drunken, clumsy,
disgusting beast” “There you go” said the bloke “Not only do you look like my
wife, but you sound like her as well” 60) Bloke “Every time I drink a cup of tea I get a sharp pain in my left eye” Doctor “Have you tried taking the teaspoon out of the cup?
61) A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?" "Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the assistant. "Well," came the explanation, "I'm always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock..."
62) This chap is on the balcony of his apartment leaning over the balustrade when his glass eye falls out. Just at that moment a lady is walking below. She notices his predicament and manages to catch the eye before it hits the ground. He runs down the stairs and thanks her profusely then immediately asks her out. She replies “Are you always as quick at asking a girl for a date?” “No” he replies “Only the ones who catch my eye”
63) Two blokes were out at sea fishing from the side of a boat. Behind one of the fellows a 40 feet hand comes out of the water. It moves down to the right and then to the left. After doing this a few times it disappears below the water where it had come from. The chap on the other side of the boat says “You should have seen the size of that wave over there”
64)
Q "What’s the difference
between a cat and a comma?" A
"A cat has claws at
the end of it’s paws and a comma has a pause at the end of it’s clause 65) Q "What do you call a
woman who throws her bills in the
fire?"
A "Bernadette" 66) This bloke has a clone made of himself. It becomes very foul mouthed and offensive so he takes it along the top of some steep cliffs and pushes it over the edge. The police come along and charge him with making an obscene clone fall. 67) A priest walked into a barber shop After
he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said,
"No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and
a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and
got his hair cut. He then asked how much it
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the
community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank
you note from the police officer.
Then, a M.P. came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it
was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service
to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 M.P.’s in front of the door. 68) After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. Somebody else must have shot that bear!" "Exactly," replied the doctor! 69) Three
elderly blokes are out for a drink one night when the start to discuss the
thereafter. One of the fellows asks “When you’re in your coffin and all your
friends and family are paying their last respects, what most would you like
them to say?” The first bloke say’s “I would like them to say that I was a great
family man who was kind and generous.” The second fellow say’s I’d like them
to say “That I was a great leader and an inspiration to all my friends”
The last fellow say’s I’d like to hear somebody say “Look he’s moving” 70) Wife “It’s me and him we really love each
other, we have the same interests and hobbies and the sex is mind blowing.” Marriage
Guidance Councillor “ There’s nothing wrong with that” Wife “But what will I tell my husband?”
71) Two
bricklayers are having their lunch on a building site. One says to the other
“I think my wife wants rid of me” “What makes you think that?” asks the other
chap. “She keeps wrapping my sandwiches up in a road map” replies the first
fellow. 72) First Bloke "My wife’s got the face of a
saint" Second
Bloke "Really" First
Bloke "Yeah, a
St Bernard” 73) Donald from the north of 74) Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks why he is doing that. The first man answers, "I thought I heard a bear." The second argues, "You can't outrun a bear, not even with sneakers." The first responds, "I don’t need to I only need to outrun YOU!" 75) Q "What do you call a woman
in the distance?" A
"Dot" 76) First bloke “I feel just like a red Indian” Second Bloke “Why is that?” First bloke “Every night I sleep with a battle-axe”
77) AN ELDERLY man was telling his friend about the memory clinic
he had attended to cure his absent mindedness. He said: “They taught us all
the latest psychological techniques - visualisation and association.”
78) Judge: “You have been found guilty to assaulting your wife. First offender?” Defendant “First a fender, then a poker, then a …….”
79) Husband: “I’m afraid the florist has made a mistake with the bouquet I ordered for our anniversary. I asked for anemones and he’s sent ferns” Wife: “Never mind, with fronds like these who needs anemones”
80) A MAN lent his girlfriend £5000 for plastic surgery. Now he can’t get his money back – he doesn’t know what she looks like.
81) MARRIED woman: “How do you keep your weight down?” Single woman: “Every night I go home, look in the fridge and go straight to bed” Married
woman: “Every night I go home I look in the bed ,
then go straight to the fridge.” 82) Husband: “What would you like for your birthday dear?” Wife: “A divorce.” Husband:
“I wasn’t thinking of
spending that much.” 83) A Husband
strips off and tells his wife: “Just look at that 12 stone of pure
dynamite.” His wife replies: “It’s a pity about the two inch fuse”
84) First cannibal: “Your wife makes a lovely roast
dinner.” Second
cannibal: “Yeah, but I’m
going to miss her.” 85) Q: What do
you call a man who has lost all his intelligence?” A: A widower
86) Q: “Why do hairdressers make good drivers?” A: “Because they know all the short cuts.”
87) Q: What do you call a woman in the distance? A: Dot.
88) First Woman: So tell me, Susan, What about your husband? Does he exercise? Second Woman: Yes, Sandra, He’s very dedicated—last week he was out three nights running.
Bernard Manning paid me for this Joke. 89) A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair
of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir,
you take an 11 or eleven-and- a-half." "Just bring me a size
eight." The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them
and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "My
house has been repossessed, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife ran off
with my best friend, my business has failed, and my son just told me he was
gay. When I get home tonight and take these shoes off that’s the only relief I’ll get.” Bernard Manning paid me for this Joke. 90) Two blokes were arguing in a pub this night about
who had the ugliest wife. After half an hour one of the blokes took a picture
of her out of his wallet and a said “I bet you can’t beat that.” The other
fellow conceded. “OK she is ugly, but I want you to come home with me and
have a look at my wife in the flesh and then you can judge for yourself.”
When they went into his house he rolled back the carpet and lifted a hatch.
He shouted down the hole “You can come up now
darling” “OK I’m coming” she replied “But do you want me to put the paper bag
over my head?” “No” replied the husband. “I don’t want to have sex with you I
want to show you to my pal”
91) First Lady “Did you intend to get pregnant?” Second Lady “No, it was a cock up”
92) The dumb blond goes home unexpectedly and catches her husband in bed with a luscious redhead she opens a drawer takes out a gun and holds the barrel to her head. “Don’t” Her husband shouts. “Shut up” she snarls back “You two are getting it next”
93)Wife “Don’t
I look younger without a bra?”
Husband “Well,
it certainly takes the wrinkles out of your face”
94) First Cannibal “That’s no way to bring up your son.” Second Cannibal “What do you expect after 10 pints of lager.” 95) A man is
lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A nurse
appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from
behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of
longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes,
pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good
look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, there’s nothing is wrong with them!!!" 96) An artist who specialises in nudes isn’t feeling very well one afternoon. When his model calls at his studio he tells not to bother undressing. He tells her that he’ll pay her as normal if she’ll make a cup of tea and sit down to have a chin wag. A few hours later he looks out the window “Oh my god!!” he exclaims “It’s my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off.” 97) A man is walking home and is feeling very horny As he passes
a grocery store with pumpkins in the window, his mind starts to wander. He
goes in and buys a pumpkin, cuts the appropriately sized hole in it, goes up
a close, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it,
and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says,
"Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a
pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and
says, "A pumpkin? Shit, is it after 98) A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the small ones being dumb. That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he had seen his mother. "I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he seemed to be getting smarter every minute." 99) A blonde goes into a world wide message centre to send a
message to her mother in 100) There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy ... isn't that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!" 101) First bloke “What did you get for Christmas?” Second bloke “Oh, the usual a pair of slippers a jumper and a bit of sex” First bloke “That’s a bit of all right” Second bloke “Not really. Every thing I got was too big for me” 102) An old fellow was on his deathbed and hadn’t long to go. He suddenly smelled the aroma of newly baked apple tart. With his last bit of energy he pulled himself out of bed. As he makes his way into the kitchen he found his wife rolling pastry for a new batch of pies. He reached over for one of the freshly baked ones. With a snarl his wife roared “Leave them alone. They’re for the funeral.” 103) A priest goes to the Bishop and confesses that he swore while playing golf this morning. The Bishop asks him to fill him in on the circumstances. “On the sixth tee I hooked the first shot and my ball veered off course into the woods” “And that’s when you swore?” asked the Bishop. “No, no” replied the priest “I kept my tongue between my teeth and played on. Then at the ninth hole I over shot a fifty yarder and landed in the river” “So you swore?” “No, no” said the priest “I kept my composure and played on. It was on the tenth hole a played a marvellous shot and landed 12 inches away from the pin.” “Don’t tell me” interrupted the Bishop “that you missed the fu**ing putt” 104) First Lady: What do you have if you’ve got two balls in your hand? Second Lady: Eh, I don’t know, what? First Lady: A man’s undivided attention. 105) A few days after major surgery the doctor agrees to let this bloke out of hospital if he takes a course of suppository painkillers. The doctor gives him the first one and tells him to insert one every 6 hours thereafter. When it was time for the second one he approached his wife who pulls his pants down, bends him over a chair, puts one hand on his shoulder rams the capsule home with the end of a brush shaft. “Bloody hell” shouted the bloke “When the doctor did that he had a hand on each of my shoulders” 106) First Bloke “I got the sack from the chip shop for putting my willie in the potato peeler” Second Bloke “And what did they do with the potato peeler?” First Bloke “She got the sack as well” 107) A
mobile phone rings in the health club changing rooms. This bloke lifts it up
and answers it. The lady’s voice on the other end says “The fur coat I spoke
to you about last night, it’s reduced to £399. Can I have it? “Sure darling”
replies the bloke ”Just go ahead” “And the holiday
in the 108) The punk rocker with a Walkman goes into the barbers shop and says ”hay man, cut my hair man, and leave the earphones in or I’m dead, man” A bit intrigued the barber proceeds to cut his hair however curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls the earphones off. The punk rocker drops down dead. The barber lifts the earphones up, puts them to his ear, listens and hears Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in………. 109) A man
goes to his doctor for a complete check up. He hasn't been feeling well and
wants to find out if he's ill. After the check up, the doctor comes out with
the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're
dying and you don't have 110) Wife. Sex!, sex! Sex!, that’s all you ever think about. Husband. That’s not true. Sometimes I think about you.
111)
This fellow walks into a chemist and asks for some arsenic. The chemist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to poison my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I can't sell you any arsenic." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist takes a look at the photo, blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
This gorilla is strolling through the jungle. He starts to feel a bit randy and notices the bare rear end of a lion at the edge of a watering hole. Temptation over rules him. He runs down and gives the lion a good humping. The lion doesn’t notice at first as she continues drinking. But, just as the gorilla is finishing the lion turns round and sees what’s happening. She lets out a viscous growl and the gorilla takes to its heels followed by a very angry lion. The chase continues for a few miles and as the gorilla tires she reaches a clearing where there’s a chap sitting on a deck chair reading a paper with a cap and a pair of dark glasses. The fellow on seeing the gorilla gets out of the way leaving his belongings behind. The gorilla puts on the coat, cap and glasses, sits on the deck chair and starts reading the paper. Just then the lion comes running up and says “Have you seen a gorilla run by?” The gorilla says “The one that fucked the lion down at the water hole?” “Bloody hell” Said the lion “It’s not in the paper already, is it?”
113)
Question:- What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? Answer:- They both contain stiffs but one's coming and one's going.
114)
The blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" Very good," said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good," said her patient mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" No, dear, it's because you're 25."
115)
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
116)
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!". When the pilot is told of this he says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'". He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant is amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
117)
Patient :- Doctor, doctor I keep seeing double. Doctor :- take it easy and sit down on this seat. Patient :- Which one, Doctor?
118)
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!" "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
This bloke is visiting his wife in hospital when she tells him that she’s nervous about the operation she’s having the next day. “The nurse said that it was a straightforward operation and everything would be OK” continued his wife. “There you go,” said the husband. “She’s even trying to pacify you” “She wasn’t talking to me” replied his wife “She was talking to the surgeon” The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He said, "Well, if it's not too trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look Henry, it still recognizes me."
121)
Defence Lawyer: What is your age? Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you? Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you? Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!" Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the b***ard!
122)
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask
over his mouth. A nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he
mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of
longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes,
pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good
look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, there’s
nothing is wrong with them!!!"
123) The seventeen year old lad hated going to family weddings ... all of his aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, cackle, and tell him, "You're next." ... At the next wedding none of his relatives did this. His mother thought this strange so she approached him and asked why the kidding had stopped. He replied “at the funeral we were at last week I did the same to all of them”
124) This bloke walked into the doctors surgery and said to the receptionist “can the doctor have a look at my willy please” “tut tut” said the receptionist “this is a public place and one shouldn’t use words like that. Call it something else” “OK” said he bloke “can the doctor take a look at my ear?” “What exactly is the matter with your ear” asked the receptionist “I can’t pee out of it” replied the bloke.
125) n the school biology class the teacher announced that they were going to have a little test. “And the first question is what part of the human anatomy can swell to six times its normal size, and under what conditions?” As she looked round the class she pointed to Mary indicating her to answer. Stuttering Mary said “Oh miss I couldn’t possibly answer that” The teacher then pointed to Janice and her reply was “it’s the pupil of the eye in a dark room miss” “correct” said the teacher and glaring at Mary she said I’ve three things to say to you girl. Firstly you’ve not been doing your homework. Secondly you’ve got a dirty mind and thirdly one day you’re going to be in for an enormous disappointment.
126) A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a £25 see-through night dress. Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the night gown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for £25 they could've at least ironed it!"
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